stages of eventual acceptance

there's a time in a young man's life that transforms self- from the day it happens until the day one finally passes on into everything and nothing you're different. for example, when your first pube comes in or when you feel your first titty.

i knew it was bound to happen- i just wasn't prepared for it last night. why last night above all others? why on saturday june 21st 2008? what on earth was so special about that day?

i'm talking of course about the first time the guy next to you stares at your dick when your at a urinal.

i'm exaggerating- he didn't "stare", but he definitely glanced.

there are rules at a urinal. unspoken guidelines that all men follow; they're instinctual- they aren't taught, they're known from birth.

the first and most important of all rules?
say it with me fellas- LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD AT ALL TIMES!

i caught him in my periphery, just a glance; a glance that will live in my memory forever.

a shiver ran down my spine and it made me stop peeing. i zipped up post haste, rinsed my hands with water and exited the restroom.

this man broke the cardinal rule of pissing! i was angry at first. how could he break the rule- it's the main rule!

then i went into shock. "oh my god...", i thought to myself, "does this make me gay now?" thoughts shot through my head of what i was going to tell my dad, he was going to be fucking pissed.

i shook it off and then went into a feeling of violation. this man just looked at my most private of areas without my permission. i felt cheap, i felt dirty, and i felt...used. i felt like the freshman girl that goes to the prom with the "hot senior guy"- gets her mouth fucked in the limo on the way and the only time she sees him the rest of the night he's dancing with beth- "the prettiest girl in school".

as i chugged the rest of my beer down another emotion came over me. this whole experience was such a roller coaster. it was a feeling i didn't expect really; one of pride- i guess. this guy chose me, you know? he broke the rule just for me. he thought enough of me in the 15 seconds we stood next to each other to say, "i wonder what this guys' dick looks like."

at least that's what i tell myself.
it makes me feel a little better about the situation.
don't judge me.